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Wednesday, June 8th, 2011

Time:10:50 pm.
What the fuck with BMR calculator's!? How do I know which are accurate when two websites I compared gave me deficits with an over THOUSAND CALORIE A DAY difference?!

Tuesday, June 7th, 2011

Time:1:12 pm.
Day four of my new losertown-inspired dietplan. I'm down from my hw about 8/9lbs, down from my starting for this one about 4lbs.
I haven't been able to stick to a plan this well since before my last recovery (which ended in insane gain and my highest weight by far).
So far doing it the healthy way is sticking. I'm consuming about 700 cals a day, working out a little everyday, eating nutritional stuff, and not falling into old crazy restrictive, obsessive workouts mode.
This is the first time I haven't either gone overboard with restricting/fasting/working out or gone overboard with binging and gaining and doing nothing.

It feels good but it's still hard. I'm scared of Saturday, which is my first weekly 'naughty' day. I know eating something I'm craving once a week is good for my metab as well as psyche, but I'm scared it'll trigger binging.
I'm totally obsessed with this girl http://undressedskeleton.tumblr.com/ !
She's my height and my goalweight (5'8, 108), and her hw (214) was 21 pounds above mine (193), and she lost it in a year (111 at least)!
She did it TOTALLY the healthy way (proper diet and exercise), although she says she doesn't have an ED she's really obsessive with food and workouts and I personally believe she's at least orthorexic.
I'm scared bc I'm eating less cals than she did, and I want the no-yo-yo experience she's having...but I also want to lose the weight by 2012 and the plan I'm on should have it all off by November/December of this year.
1 teach. learn.

Saturday, June 4th, 2011

Time:2:31 pm.
I've always heard the only way to keep skin from getting floppy and whatnot is to lose weight slowly. Obviously that's not how we do it, I'm at a high weight for the first time in my life and plan to lose it all in about 7 months...please tell me it's not true I can only avoid this skin problems by taking forever? Anyone know how to avoid this?

Thursday, April 14th, 2011

Time:3:41 am.
Big bowl of failure. Just binged on a huge trigger food for me, cereal.  I knew I should've pretended I ate it all and trashed it before I started trying to restrict again, but my bf and I are poor and he'd be pissed and I'd feel terrible.  
Since this is the biggest I've ever been, coming back from recovery is so much harder. The time and difference in feel of shinking my stomach back up is so tough, the feeling of being a lost cause at this new extreme high is so discouraging. Not to mention this has been the longest recovery, the longest time without my old habits since before they started.
I tried to deal with this new level of difficulty with all the right distractions, I tried to substitue binging with more neg cal snacking, but after the watermelon and mango came the, well, you know.
I'm smoking a stog right now trying so hard to resist the urge to purge...I really want to stay away from that this time, it's what always gets me back into 'recovery' and it always makes things so much messier and worse.
It's hard to tell myself tomorrow's a new day when I know the shrinkage will be worse if I don't purge, and I'll be more likely to fail. I'm trying to tell myself it will only make it worse, and it'll just be an excuse to excuse binging in the future.
I'm trying to tell myself to just go to bed, sleep it off, make a new plan tomorrow when I feel less beaten down.
I hate failing, especially now when I've failed already the most, I am so huge I fucking hate myself.
I just want to stay in the house until I at least fit into my old clothes.
I'm just trying to tell myself I'm ten pounds down from the absolute height of this hideous gain, and that's a start.
I'm going to bed. I'm not going to purge. I won't do it, not tonight.

Wednesday, April 13th, 2011

Time:11:12 pm.
Today was day two of 86420, 600 cals, had about 610. Yesterday I had 795 of 800.
3 60 cal mousse cups
125 cals 1 toasted slice of jewish rye bread with one tablespoon of organic strawberry jam
125ish large banana
180 cal veggie chilli serving
also had some carrots, but they burn neg.

Down one pound two ounces from beginning weight yesterday. I said I'd weigh weekly, but I really wanted a reference point for possible overall loss.
If I lose this much every day, I'll have lost 9.6/10 pounds by the end of the second cycle of 86420 on the 21rst.

I'm actually suprised and disappointed with the minimal loss, I did 2468 a year or two ago with a girl who was way lighter then than I am now and lost like 11 pounds 2 or 3 days in. I have such a high fat content right now I realllllllllllllly feel like I should be losing more- I mean, I outweigh her weight then by like 38 pounds and I'm an inch shorter!!! :( WTF?! The one upside to my gigantic disgustingness is that I should be losing way faster than usual bc I have so much more to Burn up. Why isn't it working that way!?!?!?!!?

After this I'm going to do 10 days of a neg cal all you can eat soup fast and after that I'm thinking about two more cycles but of original non-reversed 24680.

However, I'm really nervous about this Saturday and the following Thursday because the last year of recovery has left me very out of practice with fasting :( I'm so scared of failing, binging, maybe even bping or laxies.............ugh!!!!!

I have all the tricks in the bag, my thinspo and reasons and distractions, but I need support!
2 teach. learn.

Tuesday, April 12th, 2011

Time:9:18 pm.
I've been working on making myself an ELBORATE likeat least 9 month plan.
Today I'm attempting to start it.

I did what I've been dreading, weighed myself and then measured (I haven't measured in like year with all this recovery gain it's like a hellish nightmare) and compared to my stats right before recovery and my goal stats to the current.

I started cycle one of probably two doing 24680.
I've had 145 cals so far, (mousse pudding cup 60 cals, jewish rye bread slice toasted with teaspoon of chipotle mustard 85 cals, neg cal carrot-cellery-apple-ginger organic and freshly juiced, and tons of water and zero cal-sugar-sodium la croix carboanted fruit flavored water) and will prob finish at 205 with another mousse cup bc I don't have enough low cal food in the house to have something exactly 55 cals.

BUT I burn way more than that at rest (RMR of almost 2,000), plus I did my first try at p90x stretch (over 40 mins) and ab ripper (idk like 20 mins) -so out of shape had to half ass, but better than nothing by far- so I'm in the negative for today.

Feeling drained but good, trying to keep busy with my insane newly added to and organized set of categorized thinspo folders and am thinking about taking a 5 hour energy and cleaning to burn some more calories and get some stuff I need to done before I have my last 'meal' of the day.

Wish me luck, it's been so long...my habits and body are so bad and this is a small start to a huuuge committment to this intensive plan of mine to hit my goal weight of 112 pounds (a bmi of about 17 for my height, 5'8).

Thursday, September 16th, 2010

Time:2:54 pm.
I need some serious, educated advice. Desperately.

I tried to recover again.
I'm at my highest ever weight, haven't been at it in 7 years.
I need to lose, but this time I have to lose the majority of it right.
Because I can't afford to try to recover again and gain 30 pounds like I did.
It just throws me back here.
I don't even care anymore if I recover or stay wrapped up in ed.
All I care about is losing, but guarenteeing I never end up this big or anywhere near again.
I know the only way to be sure is to do it 'right', so I don't gain as easily and if I start to gain and stop it before BAM it's all back, as happens when your body is used to being starved and starts getting overfed.
Unfortunately I only have experience either overeating, or restricting/fasting/binging.purging/laxys/over exercise/ect.
Idk how to lose the right way at the eright rate to keep it off.
If I got to 120 or 115, I could go back to my old ways comfortably.
But I'm am too unhappy and terrified at 163 to ever be back here.
I will kill myself.
I need the proper knowledge.
I know eating under 1,000 calories is 'bad', though it's something I've done on and off for a decade.
I know eating under what's burned daily is necessary.
I know eating raw, vegan, organic is ideal.
I know working out is necessary.
But like I said, all I know is over or under doing these things.
I must never gain this weight back once I lose it, whether I slip up, recover, whatever. NEVER.
Please help me!
I'm losing my mind, I hate myself so much, I hate my body, nothing fits, I look disgusting.
I know I'm lucky bc I distribute weight evenly, and maybe don't look as big as I am to others...and somehow, I don't look as big as last time I was this weight.
But to me, it's all the same, and I fucking hate it and myself.
It has to go, but forever.
I know it will take longer which makes me nuts, but need the security of knowing it'll be harder to gain back.
I can't live like this.
It's killing me.
3 teach. learn.

Monday, March 15th, 2010

Time:4:47 pm.
Shitty fight with my boyfriend.
Sucks because it hurts and I hate it, but it always helps me not eat.
I get numb, controlled, alienated...lose my appetite.
So I'm going to take advantage of the fact I may not freak out as bad to weigh and measure myself.
Work on journal, thinspo, whatever.
Hurts so good.
2 teach. learn.

Wednesday, January 13th, 2010

Time:3:40 pm.
My scale finally came, and so did my wii fit!

This scale measures bone mass, muscle mass, body water, fat percentage.
THEN it tells you your ideal weight for height and age (or you can tell it with desired bmi) and it tells you how many calories to consume! Incredible, but I can't even work the thing. I need my stepdad's help, it's like a science lab to set up after batteries.

The wii fit does similar personalized stuff. Fitness programs, games, yoga, ect.

Also, I've ordered vegan, raw, and organic cookbooks that are starting to arrive.

THEN I'm getting a membership at a gym that has EVERYTHING-
•Heated lap pool
•Racquetball courts
•Group exercise room
•Group cycling
•WiFi Cafe (free wireless connection)
•Snack & juice bar
•Kid Care area
•Indoor Track
•Free weights
•Strength training equipment
•Elliptical crosstrainers
•Stair steppers
•Stationary bikes
•Aerobics and exercise area
•Men's and women's locker rooms
•Steam room
•Showers, fresh towels & hair dryers located in locker rooms
•Pro Shop
•Wellness classroom

I also plan to play more tennis, take ballet when I start school, and maybe even surf again if I can get past my ocean fear! Annnd I wanna get rollerskates, and go iceskating more.

Also, my boyfriend and I seem to be getting a house- thus I'll have room to use my yoga book, pilates dvd, fluidity bar/dvds, wii fit, annnd stretching! ALL on a big ass screen! AND I finally got a bike to ride and will have a neighborhood in which to ride it!
With so many tools at hand, I surely can't fail in accomplishing my goal!

AND modeling is looking good right now, getting more offers, should be building a great port. It will only get better as I look better- not only should I lose weight and shape up, but the eating and exercise should help my skin and hair and nail health, plus I plan to take a lot of vitamins for the ed and veganism to stay healthy.

I also can't wait to get facials, start waxing me legs, brows, vag, and pits (haha), mani peti, ect.

Annd I'm trying to get the nivea goodbye cellulite and similar products for overall physical improvement!

I'm on my way!
1 teach. learn.

Thursday, October 8th, 2009

Time:2:43 am.
I so need to go shopping.
I wish my mini fridge were bigger so I could just avoid the kitchen and the nasty shit altogether and only see my diet food.

Need more low cal yogurt
veggies and fruits
no and low cal pops
carbonated flavored 0 cal waters
diet 0 cal sodas
ect. ect. ect.
I hate my FATASS muthafuckin self!
1 teach. learn.

Thursday, October 1st, 2009

Time:8:12 pm.
I know my bitch mother can tell I have an eating disorder.
And she actually purposely aggravates it.
She doesn't wanna except that problem unless I at least look like I earned it.
She deflects and mocks me from/for losing when i do well, she calls me out when I'm not.
I tell her I'm going on a diet for weddings coming up and she says Ill have to not eat at all to look good in a dress that fit me when I weighed more than I do now..and that she made me cry when I tried it on then...made me buy it.
Tells me I'm losing too much when i haven't followed my diet and only lost like 2 or 3 pounds, and when I tell her I'm restarting it, HOUNDS me to eat fatty, greasy, disgusting chinese food which I don't even want when I'm eating normally bc we eat it so often. "You sure? You sure? You sure? Order something. Order something. Order something. You'll be sorry. You'll regret it. You'll eat it later anyway. You want it."
Told my shrink I have an eating problem, but only told him about the compulsive over eating.
How sick is it to tell half the story so I can beat the half of my ed problems that make me bigger not smaller?
Thatll only work if he doesn't notice weightloss.
So I'll hide it :)
What I am worried about is my very smart and caring boyfriend.
He knows I'm delusional about my body, he knows I diet sometimes, he knows my image problems exist...losing will only set off alarms, he's older and so smart and a dear old friend that knows me very well...and dangerous for this.
I'm scared he will find me out, he will insist I stop, he will tattle, he will guard me, babysit me, force me to be 'good'. I'm scared I will ruin things with this.
But I want this. I want to reach my goal weight, I want to feel like I deserve it when people say I could/should model/look like a model. I want to be in shape and not jiggly and my face to be thin and pretty again...I want clothes to fit beautifully and to be envied.
I can't help it, it's been like this for so long.
50 cal tuna and up to 164 out of 200 cals leaving 46 for today, here I come.
I love it, I can't lie. I always love it. Documertaries, thinspo, hunger, shrinkage, counting, control, cataloguing, measuring, weighing, calculating, the ridiculous exercise, dark plates, saying no...I love it. I'm so sick. It's so sick.
I got ill this week and threw up soooo much. I fucking loved it. I looked great. It felt good.
3 teach. learn.

Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009

Time:9:11 pm.
Two weddings this coming month, must buckle downnn!

24680 and workouts galore!

Starting weight, 134 (FML)

Must be good arm candy as is expecteddd

Meeting my old friend and new guy's closest friends at first and seeing ex's at second!

Also being tatted on thighs soon, gotta drop some for the shit!

Monday, August 17th, 2009

Time:2:10 pm.
ya know...sometimes when I'm off track I know I'm just intricately planning being back on track to make myself feel better-
because when shit gets real again- you can just tell.

 I didn't sleep a wink last night and ate a bunch of CRAP. I won't even say what it's so gnar.
Point being, after failing to go to sleep...I spent my entire morning-to-afternoon stretching, swimming, tumbling (tramp flips/cardio), doing yoga, pilates, and fluidty/ballet. Annnd shaking like a starlett-for-nothing's purse-dog. FOR HOURS.
 All I've had since I tried to sleep and stopped chowing like a fat ass is diet coke, water, coffee (with cream and sugar but I barely touched it), and cigarettes (less than usual as is common with all the exercise).
 Clearly after no sleep and all the working out (I'm rather back out of shape though I weigh about what I usually do when off track though it's tight because I've been getting more workouts in lately and gained muscle weight AND I'm on tha rag...) I need sustenance, I'm all dizzy and shaky. I chase off the hunger pains with liquid and cigs because eating when I feel actual hunger makes me feel too out of control, I prefer to plan and eat when I just know my body's demanding nutrition and feed it accordingly, able to put cravings aside and do the machine-rather-than-person bit.
 I think I'll have a 50 cal of tuna for protien and a 60 or 70 cal cup of grapefruit for vitamins and such.
I love diet coke so much for having no cals or sugar, because with the carbonation and soda-y-ness it helps me fool myself into thinking I'm indulging without the guilt.
 Now I'm gonna losertown my face off and weigh and measure because like I said, you can just tell when shit's legit again...and it is, and it feels excellent.
 I may also take a little ride on my brother's bike around the neighborhood before it's delivered to his mom's house, (I haven't been on a non-stationary bike in years because my area has like NO lanes (you have to drive your bike to a place to ride or get vehicularly murked) as it's sooo nice out.
 Also, I've been beaching a bunch and my skin is so nice and healthy from sun, salt, and exfoliating in sand...PLUS tan makes you look and feel thinner thus more motivated! YUP. Also, it's making my hair blonder :D.

More later!

Monday, March 16th, 2009

Time:8:33 pm.
800 day of 24680, stoked to fast tomorrow, lost three pounds, alsooo
half an inch on my thighs
half an inch on my butt/low hips
an inch and a half of my disgusting lovehandles
half an inch from my waist
half an inch from ribs/bra level
an inch in boobs!? (periods a'comin, must be haha)

not earth shattering, but yay all the same!

Time:3:38 pm.

My family since I said I was going on a 'diet' seriously cannot stop buying, cooking, going out for, and offering me food. and crap food. They eat like shit. By the fucking way...when I'm NOT trying to watch my weight' aka when it's more obvious what's up...they don't fucking feed me. EVER.  My friends' family makes me meals, there's never ANYTHING to eat. They only fucking care about themselves.
I almost wish they'd find out just so I could say "Oh, so now that you know I'm not eating to lose weight instead of because there's nothing TO eat/you just not noticing I'm not eating...you're actually concerned about feeding me for fucking once? Fuck you." And even then it'd be because they want me to be fat too, not because they give he remotest shit about my mental or physical health.
And THEY actually have the nerve to get pissed at ME when I get annoyed by it.
Like we all don't know they're really trying to sabotage me because they're FAT and jealous.
Well, just so they know...them doing that just pisses me off so much I'm even more inclined to restrict, fast, purge, and exercise. Assholes.

Enjoy your passive agressive self-satisfaction, crap food, and fat asses. Jerx.

It'll only be worse for you and better for me the better I look and feel, and the more I distance myself from you because of how shitty you are to me.

Friday, March 13th, 2009

Time:12:41 am.
Scared of failure!
My buddy and I start 2468(0) diet tomorrow!
At least 4 cycles
the first day will be bummer bc I had so much coke today there's no way I'll lose a pound lol, but I still feel motivated and grateful for the support of a great pal!
Wish me will and strength, suckas!
think thin, stay tough <3

Wednesday, March 11th, 2009

Time:1:00 am.

Just got the 2 buck a piece free trial of acai berry and cleanse from oprah haha
hope it works and doesn't crack me out
planning to eat less/better
work out WAY more
weigh and measure more often
nivea my cellulite -_-
also hoping to find some really good scar/stretch mark stuff...
stay strong, and keep me strong!


Monday, September 26th, 2005

Time:9:27 pm.
Mood: content.
New journal.

LiveJournal for d EAT h.

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